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 Side effects

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*::Genuine::*
AdMiNStRaToR
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Number of posts : 1067
Registration date : 2007-06-23

PostSubject: Side effects   Wed Jul 16, 2008 6:04 pm

"My father is kneeling on his knees, his hand covered with blood, i am
crying.. screaming, is it enough to kill because of love.. is it? "

.. I listened to the sound of the door being forced open fiercely.
I gathered my strength to open my eyes . My father kept asking me what
happened , why was i screaming so loud.. , I couldn't answer him.His
and my mother's insist of knowing what the hell is wrong with me and
why this thing seems to reply every night the same way,made me feel
even more puzzled. Why do I have such dreams about my father being a
murderer? .. I don't know,but that thought was quite enough for me to
suffer from real depression.

(" you love her then you kill her? ") "Maya! wake up" .. I opened
my eyes in astonishment for finding myself in class, that sentence kept
echoing in my mind for a while.. obviously, I took a nap, for my nights
aren't always silent.Thank god this day is over.After I went back home
I grabbed my notebook to unfold what i had on mind,a poem, a story or a
thought.I've never found another way to express myself..here I begin.

"There was a girl..not so unusual..nothing you didn't see,normal
depression and sadness in any teenager,nothing was almost good..cause
she always look why everything had to end with a beginning that seems
less than perfect.Her heart was full of scars maybe some were never
healed and others were but always left something behind,memories.She
was always scared,death was to her a far dream,always wanted to know if
her death would change anything in anyone's life,what would change if
her soul followed it's eternal call and was captured by lies and
infinite death? her life..her friends..her family..who isn't fake?
always wondered about that question.. her mind was dying to know the
answer so in the end everyone was a suspect in the crime of her doubts."

It seems normal to hear my parents arguing ,a usual fight between two
married couple..so what? no,wait.. their argue seems more than a normal
discussion , let me listen carefully,I can't notice the reason.....

Suddenly,so loud was a scream..maybe that was the one that shattered my
soul into pieces and my heart into a black stone.My mother's.I ran down
the stairs hoping that i am wrong. Thoughts,wonders,tears,I wasn't
thinking of anything, nothing but the fear of what's downstairs, I am
running as fast I can but now I am walking slower..and slower..and
slower,until I reached the target..mom!!! I sensed my whole life
breaking down, I could almost feel the pain of being heavier at soul !
I feel I am heavier than I was one second ago, before I ran
downstairs.My eyes are full of tears , I can't think, I can't feel, I
must try to stop them but they never stopped..at all. My mother was
lying down in blood and a knife in her heart. I could almost see and
feel another invisible one in mine.I can't describe the pain it's more
greater than what I myself would feel if I died..my father killed
her,now I hold for him the hate of the whole world,the angel called my
father is now in my eyes hated, even more hated than my heart can
handle.I screamed calling for help ,in the meanwhile I had that one
conversation with the killer..my father.
I asked him why did he do this?what logical reason can make him kill
his wife that kept loyal to him years ?? why he changed to a beast
unfortunately happened to be my father??!!..with tears in his eyes and
hands covered by blood he said: "Love,Maya..love!"
"what?? "I said.screaming with my broken voice ,that wasn't the right answer for
me :"can love make someone kill his wife??you love her then you kill
her?? you are a beast..you are the worst father in the world..why did
you born me?why..why..why?I hate you!!"
collapsing apart on the ground i kept screaming:why,why,why?
.He shouted:"she loved another man,she loved another person ,........I
ended her life in one moment of anger.. what have I done??..his scream
was the last thing I heared,then came the police as well as the
ambulance. Drowning in tears and blood of his sin. The last thing I
told him was the first i had in my dreams, the thing that kept breaking
my heart slower than ever....is it enough to kill because of love?
is it ..?


I held my pen again,for it is the one thing i love in this world.


"My name is hate,my own death, I am whatever can hurt and wonder..I am
the doubts of a lost soul , I am the side effects of life,what you can
always meet from hatred,is found in me .Sometimes they lie that one
medicine has no side effects,but by time I've learned that everything
have a side effect even life.Hey to whatever can hurt me,in the end i
can not fight destiny or I would lose myself.My name is not of so great
importance, neither is my feelings for now.People grow old..but some
remain young inside their souls,because they learned from life that age
is an easily-fading mask of the personality of thoughts.Only trust
yourself...that was the lesson for me to be taught everyday though it
doesn't seem to make a difference.I never really was this way, I was
always smiling and laughing and joking about how life can be cruel,I
was like the happiest person on earth,friends,family,success..you can
call it the perfect life a perfect lie can make.Can you imagine the
worse thing that can happen to a teenager who however is still a human
being?if you can then this is so far away from imagining..
I guess that it was just something enough for making my life no longer
has a meaning,enough to turn my heart to a stone with no feelings of
love, happiness or joy.
Even though if it means none to you , even if what I had to face is not
enough to cause me loss of joy and trust, I am just going to live
knowing that , not everyone is like my father, not everyone is a
suspect in my own crime of doubts , living my life at its fullest..
knowing that I was just the side effect of their life, and mine."

_________________


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" Sometimes the last person on earth you want to be with is the one person you can't be without ! "
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PostSubject: Re: Side effects   Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:44 pm

Ok, let me comment, cause you worte so much i think it deserves a comment.

1. Did you write the story last summer cause i kind of remember it, but this is a defently improved version. i can see that you put alot of work in it. And i must tell you it is good. Once I started reading every word, every line caught my attention cause i wanted to know: what will happen next? So i think this one goal is achieved.

2. To the story. I can see once more that you love movies, cause this could be a skript (or a part of it) of a movie. And it is really a great story away from your usual topics so a plus to that. But one thing i have to add: I think you need to put yourself in the killer position more. You need to imagine more. What will the father feel after he killed his love? I think the main thoughts would be fear. And it if is clear that the mother is dead i think he would try to stop his daughter to call for the police, because this means he would go to jail. He would rather convince the daughter to let the mother diappear. And i think a conversation about why he did such a thing is not realistic, because he daughter would try to constantly speak to the mother, would try to stop the blood try to keep her awake or try to wake her up again. The daughter would hardly accept in seconds that the mother is dead and talk to the father. The second thought of the father would be that he cannot believe what he did. He would feel sorry and in a situation like this show more effections because the love of his life just died and he is to blame. Love can be selfish but i think he would be sorry.

Finally i hope you recognize my points. Dont be mad or sad because a story need alot work to become good. Remember my eternity stoy? My teacher read it minimum 10 times and gave me advices how to improve it... This is the main difference between a poem and a story...a story needs constant work and a poem leave more room for interpretation.
But for the start it is really great basic, because the topic is so fascinating and your writing style is defenetly great.
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PostSubject: Re: Side effects   Thu Jul 17, 2008 11:05 pm

Wow! are u kidding me?? First of all , i would never be sad or angry because my story needs improvement, and yes this story was written by me last summer and actually,it seemed a lot less realistic, so i thought it would be good if i put a new version and wait if anyone would remember the old story!. I did depend on the flashback mood, the one used in movies just to give the reader much stronger pictural language.. something you could easily bring infront of your inner eye.I also tried to focus on the very quick rythme of the story , to keep the reader much more alert, when i read my previous story , i felt so bored, it kind of felt like: " oh yeah,now the daddy goes to jail and the girl becomes a theif and loses trail of her future". I didn't want this thought to pop in someone's mind, so i knew everyone could easily know the end but the IN-between action was worth the try. I think it's really good to try to be in the killer's position, i guess it's the right thing to do, and i was even thinking about it before.. but i think i didn't do it because i thought i was like the author, i was actually the girl who was telling her story, againest all rules she didn't spend her life greifing over her mother's death,of course it did affect her, but it made more sense to me for her to continue on with her life, knowing that her mother was everything to her and that she would always want her to continue living with love. I also didn't put a lot of change to the main scene, i just made it feel more real, so i think it was a very great thing to get your review to my story.. i didn't expect any replys actually! I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart this was an awesome reply , and thanks for the helpful positive advice.!!

P.S: If i were your teacher, i wouldn't need 10 times to know that you are a real writer and that your story "Eternity" is one of the best i've ever read.

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" Sometimes the last person on earth you want to be with is the one person you can't be without ! "
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PostSubject: Re: Side effects   Fri Jul 18, 2008 2:45 pm

You are always welcome and thanks for your charming words :-)
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PostSubject: Re: Side effects   Fri Jul 18, 2008 6:07 pm

Always My pleasure

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PostSubject: Re: Side effects   Fri Jul 18, 2008 9:08 pm

You are thr best atata superstar
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PostSubject: Re: Side effects   Sun Jul 20, 2008 5:35 pm

i can only say
IT'S AMAZING

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PostSubject: Re: Side effects   Sun Jul 20, 2008 5:39 pm

Thank you

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